Dear Diary,
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Another day has dawned, and I, Rover the Golden Retriever, am ready to make it the best day ever! (Just like yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that…)
6:00 AM: Rise and shine! I gently woke my humans by placing my favorite slobbery tennis ball on their faces. They always appreciate this alarm clock service, I can tell by the way they groan with delight.
6:30 AM: Breakfast time! I performed my daily pre-meal ritual of spinning in circles and tapping my paws excitedly. The humans call it my “happy dance.” I call it my “speed up and feed me” jig.
7:00 AM: Post-breakfast nap. Being this handsome and charming is exhausting work.
9:00 AM: The tiny human left for something called “school.” I don’t know what that is, but it sounds awful if it means leaving the house without me. I consoled myself by retrieving every shoe in the house and arranging them artfully in the living room. The humans will be so impressed!
10:30 AM: Bird watch time! I spent a good 45 minutes with my nose pressed against the window, whining softly at a flock of pigeons on the lawn. One day, I’ll figure out how to phase through this invisible forcefield and show those feathered fiends who’s boss.
11:30 AM: The garbage truck arrived! I alerted the entire household with my special “big-noisy-monster-outside” bark. My humans seemed thrilled to be woken from their naps. You’re welcome, family.
12:00 PM: Lunchtime for the humans. I assisted with floor cleaning by catching any and all food particles that happened to fall. I’m nothing if not helpful.
1:00 PM: Important business in the backyard. Dug three holes, chased my tail (almost got it this time!), and barked at a suspicious-looking leaf.
2:30 PM: The humans took me to the dog park! I made approximately 147 new best friends, rolled in some mud and old leaves, and played fetch until my humans’ arms got tired. Amateurs.
4:00 PM: Bath time. The betrayal! Don’t they know I worked hard for that earthy aroma?
5:00 PM: The tiny human returned! I greeted him with all the enthusiasm a good boy can muster. Which is a lot. Maybe too much, judging by how she toppled over.
6:00 PM: Dinner time! I’ve been starving for hours. HOURS, I tell you!
7:00 PM: Family TV time. I contributed by providing a lap blanket service and occasional sound effects. That squirrel on the nature show never saw me coming!
9:00 PM: Bedtime snuggles. I generously allowed my humans to share the bed with me. I only took up 3/4 of it this time. I’m so considerate.
11:00 PM: Midnight snack run to my food bowl. A growing boy needs his strength!
3:00 AM: Woke up to the sound of… something. Probably a burglar. Or a ghost. Or a ghostly burglar. Barked heroically for 20 minutes to warn off the danger. Crisis averted!
5:59 AM: Another day is about to begin! I can hardly wait to do it all again!
Until tomorrow, my dear diary. May your days be filled with tennis balls and your nights with comfy beds to hog.
Yours in perpetual tail-wagging, Rover the Retriever